Happy 2012 Folks…or is it?

I am not too sure about that statement. Many people I knew were quick to throw up the double FU to 2011 as they prayed for at the very least a non-eventful 2012. I tried to join that sentiment but I simply couldn’t. Because in all reality, my 2011, though VERY hard at times, was excellent!! And by saying this, I think some readers  may be confused. Because if you don’t know me personally, there is a lot of my story you have missed.

I spoke in my first post here of all the things that I lost from transition. Family, friends, my wife, my house, and on and on. Well the thing about that it this. I got some of that back in 2011.

This past May my family and I rekindled our relationship. Most all of them are supportive now. My parents occasionally call me their daughter and try to religiously use the “she” pronoun. Mistakes happen but how could that be a bad thing?

My house? Well that is still gone but good riddance really. My single trans self fixed it up, cleaned it up, posted it for sale online, showed it 5 times, sold the thing in 6 days after posting it; then alone moved an entire 3 bedroom house to “the pink room studios” where I now reside. Go Girl POWER!! Did I make any money on the sale? Nope I lost some. Am I free of a huge mutual debt between my ex and I? Hells YES. So why call that a bad thing?

As for her, she remarried a wonderful new guy in 2011, and just gave birth to the most amazing baby girl ever!! :)  We still talk, we are still friendly, we support each other in our lives paths and dreams and wish each other a long and happy trails!  Maybe we both have a bunch of debt, but at least we are still genuinely pleasant to each other. We were sad parting ways of course, but my transition was a deal breaker for our marriage. My ex-wife is heterosexual, and I want a completely female body. What other outcome was there?  It’s just a fact of our lives, I needed to transition, so we needed to get divorced. How is that a bad thing?

So yes, my life was good this year all things considered, but it sure had its moments! I vowed I will not let the depression level I had from GID hit me like it did pre-transition. Transition for me was begun in order to stop that depression, and it has for the most part.  But it did creep back for a few days over the holidays last month did it wreak some havoc!

As I said in my last post, at the end of this year, I received my final SRS referral letter. It had taken 5 months to get all my referrals ready so it was supposed to be a celebration of months of work. I even sounded positive (i think) in my last post speaking about it. But that was the half truth because the same day I posted that I was crying inside. Because that last letter meant I had to now direct my focus at paying for my surgery, and the sad world of finance kicked me so hard the tears were inevitable. It hit me so hard that all the great things that happened to me were suddenly slipping from my “happy bank”. I was falling again and falling fast.

Some good news I thought was I was getting away from “my studio” over the holidays and going to enjoy some time with my parents. Because its a remote area in which they live, that meant no internet, txting, e-mail, tumblr, facebook, updates from my friends, and the trans-world. A “rest” was upon me and I thought that is what I needed most.

It was three days into vaca, Christmas was over, and my dogs and I walked all over the countryside twice a day. How tranquil right? But what did I do with all this free time? THINK, THINK and THINK some more. And what were those thoughts exactly? The SCARY ones of course.

-Why is there no health coverage for GID?;

-Where am I going to get the money to afford that coverage?

-Why is the small-minded, right-wing so mean to trans people, and why does society allow the media to publish their Hitler-speak?

-Why can a person harming themselves with drugs, cigarettes, or Alcohol get free healthcare but I cannot?

- How can doctors make a healthcare policy, mandate it for the world, and then make the patient, one the most disenfranchised peoples on the planet, pick up the tab?

-WHY OH WHY do I put up with this crap and stay here or even stay on this planet? 

Those thoughts began to drive me insane! I was not relaxing there; I was building a wall inside my brain and thinking of ways to seclude myself from the world so I don’t have to be part of it any longer. To be myself, by myself. 

Seeing this, I left for town on day 5 of my stay so I can cheer myself up. I go shopping for a winter coat and take the dogs with me to walk an amazing 7km trail along the ocean afterwards. I enter the mall first and walk in circles looking for stores when I see her.  Its my 10 year old niece whom has never met her new “auntie” due to family issues with her father and my transition. Its been 3 years since I had seen her last. My heart skips a beat; my eyes well up; and I am getting ready to rush over and hug her and weep in her arms. But then I realize that telling that child is not my place. And speaking of places, showing my niece that I am now female, in a public shopping mall, is not the most candid of spots to drop such a huge revelation on a young child. I am left heart broken as she rounds the corner out of sight. I quickly walk into a store looking for a coat. The sale racks are full but my hurt draws me to the black wool double breasted one hanging on display. The sales lady hands it to me, the lapels hit my shoulders and the bottons clasp for a millisecond. I dig out my wallet in a instant. Love at first wear! But even my new purchase, made to make me feel something inside instead of empty, does nothing as I leave the mall; my head hangs low.

Off for the walk with the dogs. Its a brisk walk as it is FREEZING with high seas and gale winds on my face. The trails beautiful scenery is not phased at all by the weather. But we simply walk ourselves tired, we go back to my folks place soon after. My mood unchanged

At my folks, I uncork some wine and sit watching Jeopardy. TV is a good mind relaxer right? I rarely drink but tonight all I could think of was to find a coping mechanism for a bad week and an even worse day. Drinking had been one way I dealt with GID for years. But in all of 2011, I had maybe drank 4 bottles of wine and only once been drunk by it. But that night, the bottle is gone in 30 minutes. I open another. Its gone within the hour. I feel drunk, but more sleepy, time for bed.

I wake the next morning somber once more. Worse due to hangover. I sit drinking coffee with my mom. I bring up my thoughts from above and all the terrible things that week has brought. My mom, trying to make me see the bright side, accidently misuses a word and says “You should be thankful you live in a country where you can CHOOSE to be transgender”. I loose my head.  “CHOOSE ?” I screamed, you think this is a FU%&in CHOICE?!!!” I pack my bags, I need out of here. I am balling my eyes out doing so. I cannot stay. I keep telling myself over and over. I don’t belong here, I don’t belong here. I don’t belong ANYWHERE”. Its 7AM and my bags are packed and truck loaded for home. I talk things out with my folks for a few minutes, tell them I still love them, tell them I will still be in touch and that it’s not their fault, but I have to go….NOW!

I arrive home with a most terrible heartburn and upset stomach. The wine has done its worst to me. My phone turns on, my laptops boot up, the internet with weeks worth of e-mail and news pops up before me. I read my first e-mail.

It’s from a mother, around my age, with a pre-teen child in grade 7. The child has always shown transgendered type behavior and is seeking to transition. The mother can find no resources here. She can find no help. She can find nothing but a sad child tormented and bullied by the kids at school everyday. She wants more than anything to be able to help her child but all doctors she calls have no information, no idea where to find help, and have no willingness to try and learn. The family stands hurt, alone and in peril.

I sit down in the pink studios at once and spend 2 hours typing a response. I tell them I feel their pain. I tell them I know that frustration. I tell them I know how hard this must be on them. I tell them I UNDERSTAND!! I also tell them, “Lets meet in person next week as I will be in your city!”  I tell them that I have contacts and doctor information to help them. I offer them anything I can do personally to help. I tell them to feel free to ask me anything about my journey and I will answer. I tell them they are not alone, and they have come to the right place. I give them HOPE!!

My mood lights up in an instant. Because from my e-mail, I have not only helped them feel that they were not alone, but I also realized that neither am I. That this small corner of the world still has a lot more work to do in accommodating trans people, and I have been working to accomplish that all 2011 long. This family finding me, shows that my efforts ARE working.  I worried about money for SRS, that child worries about never being able to feel complete. I’ve been worried about making my final steps of the race, but really there are many MANY trans people still looking for directions to the starting line.  That the most important thing in life is not money, Its seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. And that is why I am here in the studio; not just for me but for those looking for that light of hope. Sharing that light is what’s truly important!

That e-mail shook all those scary thoughts, and even Josie herself, completely out of my head. Because that’s what had happened that whole week. I WAS LIVING IN MY HEAD!! I could not see anything outside of it and that is a bad place to be. A bad place for anyone to be. Transsexuality comes from pain within our heads but transition is our way to expel it from there. That pain becomes free outside and we must not put it back once it is out!!

Honestly, THAT mother and THAT child saved me this Christmas. Because as Belinda Carlisle says: “Heaven is a place on EARTH!!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOGEyBeoBGM

Peace be with you one and all and put HOPE in your head for 2012. I will help you do so in any way I can!!