OK can’t figure out how to delete my old photo here so here’s something else
Don’t we all try to make interesting facebook statuses that catch the eye? Something that stands out for everyone when doing our endless scroll through the list of updates? Well yesterday I had some awesome news to report and went strait to my laptop to post a great status sure to please. Here’s what came out..
1) “Well its almost International Women’s day and I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate then to pay for my new vagina. hehehe!!” ( WAIT that’s not funny!!! Thats transphobic as hell. Not all women have vaginas!! )
2) OK how about this one….” GOOD NEWS: My SRS funding came though BAD NEWS: @ a 21% interest rate; I haven’t even got my Vag yet and I already got raped!!” (WHOA WHOA!! THAT ALSO IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL!! How misogynist!!! REPULSIVE!! GROSS!!!)
First I want to apologize to everyone out there for my above comments. I am truly sorry you had to read them but they are pertinent to this post. As you can see I do know where I went wrong. But I have to admit, these “one liners” came to head and then strait to my keyboard and were staring back at me with blinking cursor. My being a horrible speller came in very handy suddenly as I read them back looking for errors. Because that’s when the SHOCK hit me. “OMG!! WTF Josie?” I thought. These comments were wrong! They were hurtful! But I had typed them and had debated posting them. I was mortified!!
So for an hour last night I knew I had to sort this out or I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I was so disappointed in myself. What had caused me to use that type of language and for me to think people would find it funny? When did Josie change and who the hell was this bitch on my keyboard? Then a recent conversation I had had in Halifax with some freinds came rushing back at me in a panic. The group and I had been discussing Trans Advocasy and Events for our local community. My good freind Sara turned to me and said “So Josie, are you still going to do all this trans stuff after SRS? I mean many Post-Op girls just feel that the trans fight is not about them anymore, like the fight doesn’t apply to them. What do you think?” I remember blinking for a second when she said that; I was just internally stunned really and looking for an answer. Till that point I’d never thought of things that way nor even contemplated leaving my advocacy and educational work.
“Nothing will change when I am post-op Sara. There is so much that still needs to be done.” I assured her. “I have so much on the go that I can’t stop!” (And so far that has been true if not more with “my March” looking a lot like “my last November!”)
But there I was last night, the bad posts all erased and thanking god for spell check. But I couldn’t stop thinking about them. Had I changed like Sara said? Had this reality of SRS given me some assumed right to make fun of femininity and rape culture now? Had it brought me to a new plateau where only the post ops get to mingle at?. So I began to ponder deeper down the rabbit hole. “If I was a typical cis-female would I find those comments funny?” “Would old-me find it funny as well?” What does that say about me now? What does that say about my liberal mindedness I pride myself on? AM I REALLY DIFFERENT NOW? Did I eat something out of the ordinary today?
The truth is that change is inevitably coming for me and that right soon. This surgery bill is costing me more than my rent and power bill combined during the middle of winter. In mid-April I will begin paying for this bill and it is now the largest monthly debt I have. A new car would be cheaper than this. For the past 24 hours I have been thinking about how I will be able to afford this bill and my transgender advocating travel costs. That a second job may be the best and only answer but I can’t apply for one till I have at least had surgery and healed. I can’t start a job and then take the next 2 months off recovering. There is a lot to consider let me tell you. But is Josie happy about her SRS being a reality in less than 90 days? Yes indeed but its not outshining my financial concerns just yet.
And that was what got me to sleep last night. That although things may look so promising, I can’t enjoy this success yet. Being prepared is in my blood and there is a lot left to do over the next few weeks till “my new birthday” comes. SRS may be officially happening for me, but that’s just a battle victory, the war is FAR from over. I’d hoped to show my happy highlights of that battle on facebook last night, but war is truly an ugly place. War is no laughing matter. And it showed as you saw above.
So today I woke up to a warm, sunny International Women’s day and clear minded enough to think of what the day really means to me. That my Great Aunt Gertrude Harding fought along side, and in person, with the likes of Christabel Pankhurst over a century ago for women’s suffrage in the UK. That it only took 2 weeks of living full time as a woman for me to personally feel the inequities that women still face today in our “ADVANCED” western culture. That accepting transwomen into today’s society seems almost reminiscent of the societal opinion of suffrage during the early 1900’s. And that I know Great Aunt Gert smiles down on me every time I take to the stage and speak about transgender issues. And most of all; Spotting and chastising marginalized material from within common humor, can only come from a class of lady that is leading her life path by her heart and not by her “freinds list” and number of “likes.”
I think I’m gonna be OK now.
befrecktaling asked: Hey Josie--A friend of mine wrote a petition on the petitionsite asking Harper to revise his idiotic policies about transgender people flying. Would you be interested in "sponsoring" it? Thanks!! --A big fan
I have signed a few petitions for this already. Do you have a link to it? I will let you know if I had already signed it. If I haven’t already, I surely would do all I can to help :)
Got marginalization Canada? YUP!! Check out my letter to the Air Travel Identity Screening folks at the Dept. of Justice.
******************************
Dear Sir or Madame;
While the nature of this complaint is quite rare, it indeed affects myself and several others on an extremely large scale. A major oversight has been made in regards to a policy which is strangely not an old policy, but is a NEW one as of July 2011. This legislation change has complicated my entire life and emphasizes the fact of being marginalized by my own federal government. Here is the explanation.
On July 28th, 2011, the latest Identity Screening Regulations below were released:
http://laws.justice.gc.ca/eng/regulations/SOR-2007-82/20110729/P1TT3xt3.html
In them You have SPECIFICALLY disallowed transgendered and pre-op transsexual individuals to fly in Canada or abroad by not allowing them to board any aircraft. . Section 5.2 item C clearly states:
“if the passenger does not appear to be of the gender indicated on the identification he or she presents;”
This Clause was NOT in any previous versions of the regulations so it brings to question, since transgendered people were VERY well known to exist in 2011, why was it introduced? With Federal Private Members bill C389 which attempted to bring basic human rights to Transgendered persons reaching the Senate in 2011, there is no excuse to have added this clause without considering it could be EXTREMELY marginalizing to this group of people. And considering the present Conservative Governments stance on Bill C-389 was a resounding NAY through all 3 parliamentary readings, it shows this Federal Government took NO time in dictating its direct bigotry against people like me. But this gets even more personally discriminating!
In my home province of New Brunswick, Section 34 of the Vital Statics act states only by means of Gender Reassignment Surgery can I obtain any of my NB identification in my lived gender.
http://laws.gnb.ca/en/showfulldoc/cs/V-3//20120129
This means my Driver’s License issued from New Brunswick, our only provincial photo ID, which would be used to show at the airport, CANNOT be changed to my lived gender. And to make things all the more worse, I am scheduled this June 2012 to have my Gender reassignment surgery completed IN CANADA which requires flight too and from the clinic for this procedure. But your complete lack of sensitivity on this issue has caused me great strain to know how it will be possible to get my LIFE AFFIRMING SURGERY completed and be able to fly. So what in the name of CANADA do you expect me to do? My provincial and federal government have now trapped me in conflicting legislation!! How could you be so cruel and obtuse?
Several other provinces Vital Statics Acts are similar so NB is not the only one in question. But these provincial laws were based in old legislation long before today’s transgender awareness campaigns. Your legislations are BRAND NEW! Although I admittedly have no knowledge of the complexities of securing air travel in our country, I do know there are easy ways accommodation could be made for persons like myself with medical conditions. For instance, since the Identity Screening Regulations are now under renewal, this would be a great time to remove section 5.2 item C or at least add documented Transgender leniency to travelers within that item. If need be we should be allowed to show a carry note from my physician to state my condition and then be addressed and treated as the sex I am living and permitted to fly without hesitation, whether for surgery or any other issue.
I await your prompt reply in this matter and thank you for your time;
Sincerely;
ME.
Hey Fellas;
Are you sick of the same type of girl and looking for something new? Are you tired of dating girls that are only interested in home renos and the size of the ring their friend has? Well I may be exactly what your looking for and let me tell you why.
Firstly the big 3- marriage; rings; children; None of these things will you get from me. I had the first 2 before and I am completely happy with out them now. As for children, if you have some, great, but they will never be required if you date me.
How about money? Some women can be so expensive and high maintenance. Again, that’s not me. I have my own career and my own money, I have a car and a truck, I have property I will building a house over the next couple of years. I buy my own clothes, my own jewelry and pay all my bills. I may be in debt, but I live in the black.
How about activities? Tired of girls who are scared to get dirty and hate the EWWW -bugs. I LOVE the outdoors all year round. Hey lets build a snow fort and a bon fire and go sleep out in January! We can keep each other warm I am sure. How about camping? I have my own free forest camping spot whenever I want. How about snowboarding /skiing and Cross-country skiing? How about taking my two Siberian Huskies for a hike? Heck lets go take them dog sledding!! I love back country roads and beautiful sunsets and sunrises. Know a nice spot?
How about citified? I love getting dressed up to the 9s and hitting a great show, how about a gala event? If you’re OK that I cross the 6 foot tall mark in heels then I’ll through on the stilettos if you like. But I am just as happy with Sunday after noon at a café. A tim horton’s at the park, or a movie at home.
What about sports and video games….OK you got me guys, I am terrible at team sports and even worse with video games. But you liking them is completely fine by me. Heck invite the guys over and I’ll make my famous chilli that will make your friends cry spicy tears! Take me to a sporting event as I would love to learn more about them. And if couch sports are your thing, well that’s cool too. I work in IT so if you want that next game, console, or a bigger TV, you don’t have to tell me why, lets just scope out specs for it.
How about a good relationship? Well I am here to say I play no games. If this ad has not shown you that then nothing will. When I am together with someone, I am 110% faithful, and I have never cheated on anyone. I also know that guys need their space. To do guy stuff, and as long as you are honest and true to me, go run wild and free. And no rushing either. I don’t want to move in with you next month or start picking wall colours for our own place. I need to go slow. Make sure we click and make sure we are right for each other. I’m building a house soon remember?
Ok so if you have read this far and you still like what you see, I have one more thing to tell you. Before I do I want you to look at my pictures real quick. Can you see yourself with me? Do you like what you see there? Do you think you have what it takes to be with an independent woman like me? If so then there’s just one thing you should know. I am a transsexual woman. That’s right, I used to be a guy in my old life but this is who I am now. And BALONEY you knew I was! You didn’t know and don’t even give me that, not even your own mother would know. The only reason you know now is I told you (or one of your buddies told you to read this). And the reason I am telling you POF potential gentlemen instead of when you’re groping me on our 3rd date is because I am tired of hiding it till I get to know people. How would you tell someone? I am sure many of you stopped reading this after the word transsexual. Many guys scream “you should tell me when I say Hi what’s your number.” But doing that means you never even get to know me at all even as a cool chick to hang out with. And so since I am the person doing the “fishing” now then that is why I put this out there. To get it out of the way and let you decide if you can handle this truth. Look at my stats on how cool of a chick I am? If you don’t see that, then you’re boring and not for me anyway.
Happy 2012 Folks…or is it?
I am not too sure about that statement. Many people I knew were quick to throw up the double FU to 2011 as they prayed for at the very least a non-eventful 2012. I tried to join that sentiment but I simply couldn’t. Because in all reality, my 2011, though VERY hard at times, was excellent!! And by saying this, I think some readers may be confused. Because if you don’t know me personally, there is a lot of my story you have missed.
I spoke in my first post here of all the things that I lost from transition. Family, friends, my wife, my house, and on and on. Well the thing about that it this. I got some of that back in 2011.
This past May my family and I rekindled our relationship. Most all of them are supportive now. My parents occasionally call me their daughter and try to religiously use the “she” pronoun. Mistakes happen but how could that be a bad thing?
My house? Well that is still gone but good riddance really. My single trans self fixed it up, cleaned it up, posted it for sale online, showed it 5 times, sold the thing in 6 days after posting it; then alone moved an entire 3 bedroom house to “the pink room studios” where I now reside. Go Girl POWER!! Did I make any money on the sale? Nope I lost some. Am I free of a huge mutual debt between my ex and I? Hells YES. So why call that a bad thing?
As for her, she remarried a wonderful new guy in 2011, and just gave birth to the most amazing baby girl ever!! :) We still talk, we are still friendly, we support each other in our lives paths and dreams and wish each other a long and happy trails! Maybe we both have a bunch of debt, but at least we are still genuinely pleasant to each other. We were sad parting ways of course, but my transition was a deal breaker for our marriage. My ex-wife is heterosexual, and I want a completely female body. What other outcome was there? It’s just a fact of our lives, I needed to transition, so we needed to get divorced. How is that a bad thing?
So yes, my life was good this year all things considered, but it sure had its moments! I vowed I will not let the depression level I had from GID hit me like it did pre-transition. Transition for me was begun in order to stop that depression, and it has for the most part. But it did creep back for a few days over the holidays last month did it wreak some havoc!
As I said in my last post, at the end of this year, I received my final SRS referral letter. It had taken 5 months to get all my referrals ready so it was supposed to be a celebration of months of work. I even sounded positive (i think) in my last post speaking about it. But that was the half truth because the same day I posted that I was crying inside. Because that last letter meant I had to now direct my focus at paying for my surgery, and the sad world of finance kicked me so hard the tears were inevitable. It hit me so hard that all the great things that happened to me were suddenly slipping from my “happy bank”. I was falling again and falling fast.
Some good news I thought was I was getting away from “my studio” over the holidays and going to enjoy some time with my parents. Because its a remote area in which they live, that meant no internet, txting, e-mail, tumblr, facebook, updates from my friends, and the trans-world. A “rest” was upon me and I thought that is what I needed most.
It was three days into vaca, Christmas was over, and my dogs and I walked all over the countryside twice a day. How tranquil right? But what did I do with all this free time? THINK, THINK and THINK some more. And what were those thoughts exactly? The SCARY ones of course.
-Why is there no health coverage for GID?;
-Where am I going to get the money to afford that coverage?
-Why is the small-minded, right-wing so mean to trans people, and why does society allow the media to publish their Hitler-speak?
-Why can a person harming themselves with drugs, cigarettes, or Alcohol get free healthcare but I cannot?
- How can doctors make a healthcare policy, mandate it for the world, and then make the patient, one the most disenfranchised peoples on the planet, pick up the tab?
-WHY OH WHY do I put up with this crap and stay here or even stay on this planet?
Those thoughts began to drive me insane! I was not relaxing there; I was building a wall inside my brain and thinking of ways to seclude myself from the world so I don’t have to be part of it any longer. To be myself, by myself.
Seeing this, I left for town on day 5 of my stay so I can cheer myself up. I go shopping for a winter coat and take the dogs with me to walk an amazing 7km trail along the ocean afterwards. I enter the mall first and walk in circles looking for stores when I see her. Its my 10 year old niece whom has never met her new “auntie” due to family issues with her father and my transition. Its been 3 years since I had seen her last. My heart skips a beat; my eyes well up; and I am getting ready to rush over and hug her and weep in her arms. But then I realize that telling that child is not my place. And speaking of places, showing my niece that I am now female, in a public shopping mall, is not the most candid of spots to drop such a huge revelation on a young child. I am left heart broken as she rounds the corner out of sight. I quickly walk into a store looking for a coat. The sale racks are full but my hurt draws me to the black wool double breasted one hanging on display. The sales lady hands it to me, the lapels hit my shoulders and the bottons clasp for a millisecond. I dig out my wallet in a instant. Love at first wear! But even my new purchase, made to make me feel something inside instead of empty, does nothing as I leave the mall; my head hangs low.
Off for the walk with the dogs. Its a brisk walk as it is FREEZING with high seas and gale winds on my face. The trails beautiful scenery is not phased at all by the weather. But we simply walk ourselves tired, we go back to my folks place soon after. My mood unchanged
At my folks, I uncork some wine and sit watching Jeopardy. TV is a good mind relaxer right? I rarely drink but tonight all I could think of was to find a coping mechanism for a bad week and an even worse day. Drinking had been one way I dealt with GID for years. But in all of 2011, I had maybe drank 4 bottles of wine and only once been drunk by it. But that night, the bottle is gone in 30 minutes. I open another. Its gone within the hour. I feel drunk, but more sleepy, time for bed.
I wake the next morning somber once more. Worse due to hangover. I sit drinking coffee with my mom. I bring up my thoughts from above and all the terrible things that week has brought. My mom, trying to make me see the bright side, accidently misuses a word and says “You should be thankful you live in a country where you can CHOOSE to be transgender”. I loose my head. “CHOOSE ?” I screamed, you think this is a FU%&in CHOICE?!!!” I pack my bags, I need out of here. I am balling my eyes out doing so. I cannot stay. I keep telling myself over and over. I don’t belong here, I don’t belong here. I don’t belong ANYWHERE”. Its 7AM and my bags are packed and truck loaded for home. I talk things out with my folks for a few minutes, tell them I still love them, tell them I will still be in touch and that it’s not their fault, but I have to go….NOW!
I arrive home with a most terrible heartburn and upset stomach. The wine has done its worst to me. My phone turns on, my laptops boot up, the internet with weeks worth of e-mail and news pops up before me. I read my first e-mail.
It’s from a mother, around my age, with a pre-teen child in grade 7. The child has always shown transgendered type behavior and is seeking to transition. The mother can find no resources here. She can find no help. She can find nothing but a sad child tormented and bullied by the kids at school everyday. She wants more than anything to be able to help her child but all doctors she calls have no information, no idea where to find help, and have no willingness to try and learn. The family stands hurt, alone and in peril.
I sit down in the pink studios at once and spend 2 hours typing a response. I tell them I feel their pain. I tell them I know that frustration. I tell them I know how hard this must be on them. I tell them I UNDERSTAND!! I also tell them, “Lets meet in person next week as I will be in your city!” I tell them that I have contacts and doctor information to help them. I offer them anything I can do personally to help. I tell them to feel free to ask me anything about my journey and I will answer. I tell them they are not alone, and they have come to the right place. I give them HOPE!!
My mood lights up in an instant. Because from my e-mail, I have not only helped them feel that they were not alone, but I also realized that neither am I. That this small corner of the world still has a lot more work to do in accommodating trans people, and I have been working to accomplish that all 2011 long. This family finding me, shows that my efforts ARE working. I worried about money for SRS, that child worries about never being able to feel complete. I’ve been worried about making my final steps of the race, but really there are many MANY trans people still looking for directions to the starting line. That the most important thing in life is not money, Its seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. And that is why I am here in the studio; not just for me but for those looking for that light of hope. Sharing that light is what’s truly important!
That e-mail shook all those scary thoughts, and even Josie herself, completely out of my head. Because that’s what had happened that whole week. I WAS LIVING IN MY HEAD!! I could not see anything outside of it and that is a bad place to be. A bad place for anyone to be. Transsexuality comes from pain within our heads but transition is our way to expel it from there. That pain becomes free outside and we must not put it back once it is out!!
Honestly, THAT mother and THAT child saved me this Christmas. Because as Belinda Carlisle says: “Heaven is a place on EARTH!!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOGEyBeoBGM
Peace be with you one and all and put HOPE in your head for 2012. I will help you do so in any way I can!!